Well, as my introductory blog, I guess I have to write about what's closest to my heart right now....Michael Jackson. It's a funny thing about death, time is said to heal all wounds, which I guess in time it will, but time also reminds you how permanant and irreversable death really is. It's funny how we all react so differently. Some of us retreat deep into our religion, looking optimistically at the time when we will see each other again. Some of us fall away from religion and fall into a blank zone of nothingness.....That's where I was. I took Michael's death very personally, I was offended by it, if you will. God is said to know what's in our hearts and minds, to know the true desires of our hearts. So that means God knew how very much I loved him, how much I thought about him, how much I worried about his health, his safety, his well being, how much I worried about how he was coping with the pressure of being MJ, how heartbroken I was by the idea of him being humiliated by allegations, how I watched the pain in his eyes during the trial, how much I admired those wide eyes, that glowing smile, those sly looks, those classic moves. He know that I grew up loving this man, being inspired by this man. He complicated things by giving me so many blessings.....I was blessed to have attended many Michael Jackson fan events, appearances, concerts, have my question answered by Michael himself during his one and only live chat, to have met him in New York, to have seen him on stage in Germany, to have laughed and played all over Neverland - twice......He knew I loved him. He knew.....
Yet, he still took him from me. And yes, I know millions of fans around the world, and especially his family and children, felt the same way, but this was between me and God. I couldn't believe he took him from me. ME? The one who prays to him and thanks him for my many blessings....To me, he didn't just take someone I loved, I felt like he ripped out my soul over, and over, and over.....
When I look DEEP inside me, I try to pull out what little good has come out of losing Michael. Nothing much is there to pull out, other than the fact that he is not suffering and no one can hurt him. I can't say that people have finally left him alone, because they haven't. I can't say he's been fully vindicated, because he hasn't. Yeah, maybe I can say people finally recognize and fully appreciate his talent and what he gave to this world, but so what. Many of us recognized and appreciated him while he was here, so I could care less about those that jumped on the "I LOVE MJ" bandwagon posthumously.
But I knew that I couldn't go on being angry with God, avoiding prayer, and feeling so bitter about religion. I can't lie and pretend that all my feelings about God and religion are all back in alignment. But I'm working it out. I've had many conversations with God. I know I will never understand why Michael died. Even if it were handwritten by God and delivered by Angel Michael himself, I still wouldn't find his death, and the way he died, acceptable. But I didn't want to be angry with the one person who I felt was responsible for loaning Michael to us in the first place. Whatever plan he had for Michael, in my heart, there is no doubt that Michael fullfilled it. I believe Michael went above and beyond whatever expectations were set upon him. Regardless of the negativity that always tried to overshadow his life, I'll always believe in my heart that he was one of the last "do-gooders"....
It's hard waking up everyday, walking around this world, smiling, laughing, living, loving....knowing that a piece of my soul has gone....but we do it. We do it for several reasons. The number one reason: People expect us to....a year has passed. We didn't know Michael personally, so for outsiders, that's enough grieving time for us. Back to reality now. So we go on for them.......Number two: The alternative is too dark to think about, so we have to push forward. Number three: We know that we are loved and depended on, and wouldn't want people to think that they aren't worthy of our love or that they didn't love us enough. So we push on....But all this pushing on will catch up to us one day. When it does, I don't know what it will be like. I may need to just run out the house and run down the street screaming and crying, I may need to curl up in my bed for a month, I may need to be put away in a crazy house, I may finally take the drink.........who knows. Just know that when I run out of "push" energy, I'm gonna need you to be there. You don't have to understand....actually, you can't understand and I don't expect that of you, so don't worry about understanding....But I may need a friend to listen, arms to hold me, or a hand to slap that sh*t out of me....I hope I can depend on you.......
